I don’t know if I should get married!!! I don’t trust him and I still hold resentment…?

admin — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:54:43 +0000

We’ve been together 10 yrs. and all I’ve ever wanted was to be his wife and year after year and 2 kids later I had to basically beg to get him to ask me. When I told him that I don’t want to do it just because he felt bad for my crying about it and I want it to be something he wants too he said he does but I just don’t believe him. I can’t rely on my feelings and emotions because they are so out of wack right now due to the ridiculously stressful life I’ve subjected myself too, so 1 min he’s awesome and the next I wish I could just pack up and be gone, but it’s never that easy. I do suffer from depression and anxiety and I know I am not an ideal girlfriend but I bend over backwards and do flips for this man something that I rarely see from him. I put him through a lot with my mood swings and just plain ol psychoticness but I feel justified in my bad treatment of him because I feel like I’ve given so much of myself to him and his family without any regard for me and my feelings. In my heart I feel like I will never be his first priority and that his mother and sister will always come first and it makes me so sad and it really hurts to think that we’ve spent so time together and been through so much, I’ve slept in hotels/cars with him for 3 years, had 3 abortions because he told me the pregnancy was my decision and we really can’t afford to have children so I thought I was doing what he wanted me to do,
I wash his clothes,
clean the house,
take care of the kids,
pay the bills (which I have not been doing lately because I don’t know why I just get so stressed)
allow his mother and sister to live with us because they get evicted (3 times now more than 6 months each situation)
becoming more sexual
play taxi (at least twice a week I have to pick either him or his mother up after I just worked a 9 hr shift being up since 4 am and sitting in traffic for hours, the list can go on but I do love this man although I think he can be such an ass because if I complain about doing any of the things listed above then I am not being a team player and I wonder wtf is he talking about because I am the team!!! But on the other hand he is sweet, he used to make me laugh but now I’m always so mad his jokes aren’t funny, I know he is a good man and together we can make things happen but I am really scared that I will not be made a priority and that I will end up hurting myself if I continue to stay I just want some peace and to be able to have our place/space to really grow up I am 27 and he is 29 and neither of us have ever really lived on our own except for our short 6 month breaks when I decided we need to move and get our own. I love his mother and sister but I want them to have their own lives and home and let us raise our family together and stop being so selfish but will I ever really be #1 to him and if we get married will he realize that he is now our family LEADER and take that responsibility seriously or will I continue to be the underdog although I am putting out the most results someone please help me I am at a loss!!!
I put the details because I kind of need to vent also, I feel like an idiot when I try to talk to my friends or family because I don’t want to appear needy, I am currently in therapy to try and make some type of sense of my life and get it on track so I can be more productive for my children. Thank you all for even taking the time to read through all that and giving your advice I really appreciate it alot :0)!!
last addition, the reason I have to play taxi is because he and I are the ones with cars, his mom and sister’s cars were repo’d about 2-3 years ago and they have been relying on us to get around or driving his truck because I won’t let them take my car if it’s not work related.

Depression during Pregnancy » resentment…

I don’t know if I should get married!!! I don’t trust him and I still hold resentment…?